An Ode to My Oldself

An Ode to My Old self
Never knew the difference between being who I was earlier and what I had become in the past few months. I did not know if I was the same person anymore. What lead me here had no answer to it! everything in life made no sense. everyone around me noticed the change except me they would want to help but I would refuse to take help saying that I was fine and normal. in fact I took it as an offence when someone would try to point out the flaws in me-too coward to die and too courageous to live That was exactly my situation.
Then how did things change? what happened
Growing up as a kid I never faced failures I was always the brightest student in the class the one that shines bright. Things changed when I failed never in life seen refusal I did not exactly know how to deal with it and that if it was even okay to fail! everyone around me seem okay except me the feeling of failure was sinking in. However I did not do much to change it. This was just the beginning slowly moving on in life I face with failures multiple times! not only career wise but also at personal level. Everything somehow looked like illusion to me. It felt like everything was chanting to my failures, telling me that my life had no goals no reason to even live. the only thing that made sense to me was food. I found great escape in food, eating as till my stomach would refuse, eating at no fixed time. I just could not let go the habit. it took no longer for me when I finally broke down in front of my mother. I still remember that night, and to my surprise she told me it was okay for me to feel that way and we will get through this together. that was the very first time I felt normal. And as days passed I began to start writing down my feelings, somehow it gave me peace of mind to write what I felt like someone was reading it, like someone could actually understand what I was going through. that is when I started to search for motivational videos and stories, I just wanted to get inspired.
Life was not fair to me that was the only reason I gave to myself and others that would ask me about my failures. Tt was finally time to accept that I was suffering from depression. yes I was mentally ill! and yes I am very much normal like you. I look very human like there is nothing alienating about me. nothing alarming about me I am what iam. The very step for me to was to accept help and to know that I was in depression and that there was nothing to be ashamed about it.
One of the major causes of depression turned suicidal is the negligence and the way we deal with depression. You will not find any school or college book talking about mental illness or find doctors that are qualified this deal with this situation. In fact the society is built in such a way that depression is often symbolised at being weak, someone who cannot tackle difficult situation, we are often made to hide the fact that we are in depression and to act like it never happened.
We are told to act confident and bold otherwise no company would hire us nobody will want to work with us. I have not read many articles talking about corporate companies giving mental sickness leave or having any policy that would protect employees having mental illness or even any good study institution that will be willing to take a patient of depression.
Why is there is such a barrier why are we running away from it? why are asked to hide it.
I have been through depression and I overcame it. it was not an easy journey for me. It was more or less a learning experience for me. and one of the most important thing I realised during depression was that the very first step to overcome it is to acknowledge the presence of depression in your life. We often live in denial saying to ourselves that depression is for cowards it is for others and not me. We suppress our true emotions resulting it to block our true selves at such a level that it might lead to suicide. Secondly talk it out, talk to someone who is close to you fear not to seek help. Mental illness is just like physical illness it does not make you harmful/bad/not normal person it just makes you who you are and there is nothing wrong in being who you are. Go out , indulge yourself into physical activities and eat healthy,talk about you experience  to others become more and more aware about it. and if required take medication for it, those medication will not harm your brains.
Now two most asked question why me? and what if I relapse again?
Well there is no answer for why you! it is an illness and can happen to anybody, however dome people deal with it smartly and seek help at early stage thereby stopping it there and then and for other they keep hiding it for life long and out busting it with a mental breakdown.one cannot be characterised as weak if they suffer from depression I would rather say people wo overcome depression are the bravest of all kind, why? simply because they have outlived the roughest and darkest phase of their lives and they know how it feels to be there so they very well also know how to deal with it and do not forget it took them real courage to come out as a patient of mental illness.
now is there a possibility of it to relapse again? people who have suffered from depression always fear about relapsing to it again, however such a situation can be overcome by getting routine checkups on time and most importantly by indulging oneself into healthy habits. No illness is completely curable they all have a slight chance of recurrence, but there is no illness that cannot be fought. At last I want to urge everyone of you if you are reading this spread this message wide, help people around you suffering from depression and let them know they can get through this. We are in this together.